Thursday, January 8, 2009


Today is my uncle's funeral.  I am sad, and nervous to go.  I've been to two funerals before... first was Jeff's step-dad's, second was for the father of one of my best friends in High School.  Both were awkward and hard.  Because I have such a low level of experience with death in general, I have a hard time knowing how to act or what to do when people are dealing with the death of a loved one.  Worse, when it's someone I've loved - like my uncle - I don't know what to do. 

I guess more than anything right now, I feel awful for my grandma...I can't imagine losing your baby.  I know he was 55 and a grandfather himself.  It's still her baby.  And my dad has lost his brother.  I wish there was a manual to show me how to show my support, my love, and my grief.  I love my family so much - even though we haven't always been the closest of families, even though there is a lot I don't know about them.

I hope this doesn't sound bad, and I don't mean to make light of the situation, but I am also hoping that being in this environment doesn't cause me to over eat today.  I am an emotional eater.  I eat sometimes just because I feel awkward and it's a something that I am comfortable with.  I think after the funeral we're going to my dad's house to be together, and there will be a lot of food I'm sure.  I am giving myself permission to eat off plan this afternoon - but not over indulge.  If I don't allow myself the permission to go off plan, then I will do it anyway.  Then I will feel guilty and feel like I have failed and that I may as well forget the rest of the day, and then I will do more than a little over eating, I will do a whole day's worth.

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