Today is my uncle's funeral. I am sad, and nervous to go. I've been to two funerals before... first was Jeff's step-dad's, second was for the father of one of my best friends in High School. Both were awkward and hard. Because I have such a low level of experience with death in general, I have a hard time knowing how to act or what to do when people are dealing with the death of a loved one. Worse, when it's someone I've loved - like my uncle - I don't know what to do.
I guess more than anything right now, I feel awful for my grandma...I can't imagine losing your baby. I know he was 55 and a grandfather himself. It's still her baby. And my dad has lost his brother. I wish there was a manual to show me how to show my support, my love, and my grief. I love my family so much - even though we haven't always been the closest of families, even though there is a lot I don't know about them.
I hope this doesn't sound bad, and I don't mean to make light of the situation, but I am also hoping that being in this environment doesn't cause me to over eat today. I am an emotional eater. I eat sometimes just because I feel awkward and it's a something that I am comfortable with. I think after the funeral we're going to my dad's house to be together, and there will be a lot of food I'm sure. I am giving myself permission to eat off plan this afternoon - but not over indulge. If I don't allow myself the permission to go off plan, then I will do it anyway. Then I will feel guilty and feel like I have failed and that I may as well forget the rest of the day, and then I will do more than a little over eating, I will do a whole day's worth.