Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Waiting for life....

I feel like I spend a lot of my time waiting for my life to start. I say, or think, things like... "when I lose another 20 pounds, I'll..." or "If I had a bigger house, I'd..." or "Next year, when the kids are in Xth grade, I will be able to do..."

But really, what the hell am I waiting for? Yes, family pictures would look a LOT better if I was a size 8 instead of 12. But if I died tomorrow, would I want my kids to not have a last picture of all of us together just because mommy thought she was fat??? Sure, entertaining would be much easier and fun if I had more room. But do I judge my friends my the size or neighborhood thier home is in?? No - of course not. So why do I put off having them here because I'm embarassed of mine? If they judge me on that stupid stuff, then do I really want to be their friend? Nope. And, okay, I'll give my self the whole, 'it's easier to plan for more things as the kids get older and are all in school longer periods of time' thought process... but I think that EVERY year!! First it was, when Em went to Kindergarten. Then when Elliot did. Now I'm all twitterpated about next year when both kids will be full time students, and only Eva will be in preschool. But is it really going to change that much? Probably not. Am I setting myself up for disappointment thinking that my life is going to get easier and easier when in reality any extra time I might find will probably be filled within 5 seconds because I can't STAND to be unscheduled??

And whats up with that, btw? When did I become this glutton for punishment? When did I become THAT mom, the one whose kids do scouts, baseball, soccer, football, cheer, gymnastics, hip hop, ballet, swimming, and taekwondo? I mean really - do the three of them need THAT much activity? Do I? And why am I still pondering guitar and piano? Do I think I have time, or that they have time? Why do I HATE open days on the calendar so much, or more aptly, open hours? Because I NEVER have an open day.

Ugh. I guess I am just realizing that I need to let go of this feeling of "waiting for my life to start" or it's going to pass me by. I know I'm still pretty young (yes, I still think 27 is pretty damn young, thankyouverymuch) but I also know that the years go quicker and quicker with each one that passes, and I don't want to miss out on all the stuff I could be, and should be, doing right now, in my 20's, while my kids are young, because I'm fat, broke, and all that jazz.