Sunday, July 19, 2009

It's official. I'm going back to school in October to finish my Bachelors Degree in Applied Psychology, and then my Masters in Counseling. When all is said and done, I'll have about $25,000 in student loans to pay off and it will take me about 3 full years. I'm scared to death, worried about the time, the money, the energy it's going to take to go through with all of this. But I'm even more scared not to do it. I love my life, don't get me wrong. I love my husband more than anything, I have three amazing children that couldn't give me more joy and fulfillment in my life. But... I also hate it. I hate not ever having enough money for anything...a big enough house for our family, a nice car, a vacation every once in a while, even little necessities like school clothes and supplies without stressing on it. I want to LIVE my life, and LOVE my life - not struggle through it.

And that's never going to change unless I do something about it. I can't keep living for today with no thought put into the future more than the next mortgage payment. I can't keep hoping and praying that things are going to get better, that we're going to somehow "fall into" money that will keep us afloat. I need to DO something about it, and that's where the plan comes in.

First things first - I have to finish school. Then I need to get a real job, and start bringing in money to keep us afloat. By the time I'm done, Eva will be in 1st grade, which means I can work during the day and not miss too much time with them after school and weekends. With a Masters, I will be able to work for a hospital, school, or private practice which means I should be able to work the kinds of hours I will need to keep myself happy and the kids feeling like I am not abandoning them. Hopefully I'll be able to make enough that Jeff can go back to school at that point and get his Bachelors degree in Business and then he'll be able to get a higher management position and we can work our stuff out with that.

Next - I need to start feeling more comfortable with myself, which is going to involve making time to work out again. I know that once school starts I will be able to do that, but I have 6 more weeks - I need to start doing it now. I think once I feel confident and better about my body by working out, eating right and losing some weight, I will feel more capable and less embarrassed to go out and do all those things I want to do, but can't.

Money and weight have been holding me back from living my life to the fullest extent, from doing all the things I really want to do with my life big picture and day to day... and I don't want to do that anymore, dammit. I want to feel like I am not being held back. So I need to do the things that are hard that will let me feel capable and confident.

Wish me luck

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Summer blahs, Michael Jackson, and camp...

It's been a while... again. Summer came and the stress of the year came down upon me and hit me with a big ole "crash and burn". I finally was able to rest and relax, and found some time to catch up on my sleep and quiet time. In the process, I lost all semblance of a routine and the lifestyle that I had been accustomed to. Staying up late, sleeping in, sitting at home with the computer and the TV and catching up on DVR has taken it's toll and I am fully encompassed in the Summer Blahs. Yes, we've done some fun things - we went camping at the ocean for 3 days, which was awesome. We came home through Forks and let the oldest daughter fufill her dream of seeing the Cullen home, the Swan home, and all the fun places in her favorite book. I also took her to the Jonas Brothers concert and had a WONDERFUL time. Yes, I enjoyed the Jo Bros. Maybe even more than she did because I am old enough to truly appreciate seeing a band live - even a sugary sweet tween idol boy band (ahhh, the memories of NKOTB were strong that night!!). However - I have also given up working out and eating crap whenever I feel like it. It's been a bad stretch of 2 weeks and I finally stepped on the scale a few days ago and realized that, dammit - I gained back 10 of the 20 pounds it had taken me 6 months to lose in only 2 weeks. What the hell????

So last night I decided it's time to start back on my mission to make myself a priority and feel good about myself. I went tanning, I grocery shopped for healthy breakfasts, lunches, and dinners for the week. I gave myself (with hubbies help, isn't he AMAZING) a manicure, pedicure and facial, and a lip treatment. Using the momentum gained from starting to feel pretty, I got up at the UNGODLY hour of 4:45 *yes, AM* and went to my very first spinning class. And I didn't die!! Woo Hoo! In fact, it wasn't so bad. Getting up that early was really hard, but the class itself was actually kinda fun. And tonight, I get to go get my hair done! The plan is to try to hit Zumba tomorrow before spending all day making a three tiered fondant covered wedding cake for my mother in law. And freezing violet blooms into ice cubes for the punch. Ugh.

The good news is that all this work for the wedding and getting back in the groove of getting my priorities back in check are keeping my mind off of the one thing that is driving me totally crazy - the fact that my oldest child is gone to summer camp. 6 days, 5 nights at Drama Queen girl scout camp. Today is day 3. I'm slowly starting to get over the sadness that has overtaken me in her absence. I love her, even though she drives me crazy, and I'm missing her like crazy! I know that some people think I'm crazy for letting my 8 year old go to camp alone for that long. I kinda think I might be a little crazy for doing it too, honestly. But I know she's having a lot of fun, and she's probably doing some amazing things that she wouldn't be able to do otherwise. I am sure she's having fun, I just miss her :(

On to the big news of the millenium. Michael Jackson is dead. It's been about two weeks, and even with all the 24/7 news coverage and watching the memorial yesterday it still hasn't sunk all the way in. I am feeling very strange about the whole thing - I know there is a lot of controversy surrounding his life. Although he was acquited of all charges, there is always all that talk about child molestation - which as a mother offends me more than it's even possible to express. However, who really knows the truth? Only the child in question. So I feel like I need to give the guy the benefit of the doubt for a few reasons - 1. Again - he was acquited. The legal system is supposed to work, and we have to believe in that to feel safe in this country. I know there are many, many instances where it doesn't, and that's to be expected with a system so large and all encompassing. (Hello, OJ???) but in the end, I really believe that anything he did with the children in his life was truly innocent. And I believe that for reason 2. His life SUCKED. Yes, he was the most major music entertainer ever. Yes, he had billions of dollars, the Neverland ranch with all that cool shit, and he had the world at his finger tips. But, he also had an abusive father that pushed him at the ridiculously young and impressionable age of 5 into the spotlight that followed him for 45 years - his whole freaking life. From the earliest memories he could form, at that young age, his life was lived in front of - and judged by - the whole world. Tell me that won't mess a person up!!! And then there is the looks thing - I thought he was a major hottie back in the day, but he got judged - big nose, bad skin, etc. etc. And since the whole world was his whole world, the judgements were enough to make him crazy. I do think he was a bit crazy, but I also think that deep down, he was a very sad man who had no clue how to live a normal life, and he tried in every way he could to do the one thing he thought he was capable of, and put himself and his own thoughts, feelings and desires aside to please and entertain the world. In the end, it's the kids I feel for right now. Prince, Paris and Blanket (with the unfortunate name) break my heart. Regardless of all the rest, those children lost their father. And now they have to grieve in front of the world, and share their grief and mourning with the whole world, which I find totally unfair. That feeling, the mourning period should belong to them alone, as far as I'm concerned. The world lost an entertainer, those kids lost their daddy.

Ugh - anyway... now it's 9AM, and I have already worked out, had breakfast, showered, gotten dressed and ready for the day and set the kids' homework ready. Now it's time to feed them, dress them, school them, and get ready for the day.... here we go!!!!