Ready or not...

This week sparks the beginning of what I am hoping is going to be my last quarter at Pierce to get my AA. I have submitted my graduation information, but I am afraid that they'll come back and tell me I need one more class or something crazy like that.

In any case, I am sitting here reading my Interpersonal Communications book this morning, and thinking about all the new and "exciting" things I am going to be learning this quarter. It's actually kind of sad, really - because dealing with this new job all this month, and still trying to play my roles as mom, wife, housekeeper, cook, chauffeur, friend, daughter, granddaughter, sister, etc. etc. etc. I doubt I am going to be able to actually retain any of the knowledge I get through these classes. And that is sad, because really - I am taking some really interesting classes. My speech class is, thank god, really all about communication styles and effective communication. Then I get to take Philosophy of Western Religions, which I think is going to be really enlightening, and really get my brain going which I love. The other two - American Literature and Technical Communication will probably be interesting on a very basic level. LOL. But either way, Here I come...

This next month is going to be crazy. I feel a lot of pressure, and I am not sure how to deal with it. On one hand, it's really wonderful to feel the support of my family and friends as they continuously tell me how strong I am, and how I will succeed through this month and do a great job. But honestly, I am just not so sure. School is a lot of work. Not just mentally and intellectually, but it's hard to make that kind of time commitment. 20 credits is a lot of work. Four classes, especially online classes, is a feat of organization, and keeping on top of things all the time. Add to that, trying to be "at work" 30 hours a week. The emotional and physical strain of being in that classroom with those kids - who I really do have a deep affection for, don't get me wrong, but it's still so draining. I guess I am just afraid that I am not up to the challenge. Either that, or those two things will thrive, but what about all the other things in my life, the things I have devoted my whole adult life to? My kids - will they suffer because I am not home anymore during the day, and my nights and weekends will be spent on this dang blasted machine doing gobs and gobs of homework? Will they feel ignored and unappreciated? Will it affect them? Will my marriage suffer when I don't have the energy to be a wife at the end of the day? When I am not here to listen to his thoughts and feelings, to be physical and to be supportive? When I have a bigger life than just this home? And what about this home? I have never been Suzie Home-Martha, my house is not always the cleanest or tidiest, but I do try. And the last few months I have really stepped up and been developing and sticking to a routine that is keeping this place looking presentable, and making me feel better about it. Dinners? When am I going to find the time to make nutritious dinners? Already I have slacked on my hidden veggie routine, and while I know it's just a month - I think my biggest fear is ... What if I like it???

I know thats silly, but it's true. What if I find this sense of accomplishment and satisfaction in a job that I haven't gotten from all these other things? How do I reconcile in my own mind that I have spent 7 years home because I truly in my heart of hearts believe it's whats best for my kids only to turn that around and work next year when the Diva is still at home? How selfish would it be to put aside what I think is right for my kids, what I practiced for the first two, and do it differently for her? If I really feel that being home for them is the most important thing - and I do - how can I put that aside? I know that right now I am doing it because I have to. The Hubs being out of work for a month sent our finances in a tailspin that it's going to take at least 6 months, more likely a year, to come back from. This job was the only way to make things start looking up. But if I love it, if I find myself in this new job and new life, what do I do then?

I guess the only think I can do right now is get ready, get organized and prepared for the next 3 and a half weeks as I possibly can, and let the rest figure it self out....

I'll keep you posted :)