Field trip

I'm going on a field trip on Friday for school we will be taking a tour on a boat with my class. I hope will be riding the boat I can't wait till Friday!!!

THE END

It's official. I'm going back to school in October to finish my Bachelors Degree in Applied Psychology, and then my Masters in Counseling. When all is said and done, I'll have about $25,000 in student loans to pay off and it will take me about 3 full years. I'm scared to death, worried about the time, the money, the energy it's going to take to go through with all of this. But I'm even more scared not to do it. I love my life, don't get me wrong. I love my husband more than anything, I have three amazing children that couldn't give me more joy and fulfillment in my life. But... I also hate it. I hate not ever having enough money for anything...a big enough house for our family, a nice car, a vacation every once in a while, even little necessities like school clothes and supplies without stressing on it. I want to LIVE my life, and LOVE my life - not struggle through it.

And that's never going to change unless I do something about it. I can't keep living for today with no thought put into the future more than the next mortgage payment. I can't keep hoping and praying that things are going to get better, that we're going to somehow "fall into" money that will keep us afloat. I need to DO something about it, and that's where the plan comes in.

First things first - I have to finish school. Then I need to get a real job, and start bringing in money to keep us afloat. By the time I'm done, Eva will be in 1st grade, which means I can work during the day and not miss too much time with them after school and weekends. With a Masters, I will be able to work for a hospital, school, or private practice which means I should be able to work the kinds of hours I will need to keep myself happy and the kids feeling like I am not abandoning them. Hopefully I'll be able to make enough that Jeff can go back to school at that point and get his Bachelors degree in Business and then he'll be able to get a higher management position and we can work our stuff out with that.

Next - I need to start feeling more comfortable with myself, which is going to involve making time to work out again. I know that once school starts I will be able to do that, but I have 6 more weeks - I need to start doing it now. I think once I feel confident and better about my body by working out, eating right and losing some weight, I will feel more capable and less embarrassed to go out and do all those things I want to do, but can't.

Money and weight have been holding me back from living my life to the fullest extent, from doing all the things I really want to do with my life big picture and day to day... and I don't want to do that anymore, dammit. I want to feel like I am not being held back. So I need to do the things that are hard that will let me feel capable and confident.

Wish me luck

Summer blahs, Michael Jackson, and camp...

It's been a while... again. Summer came and the stress of the year came down upon me and hit me with a big ole "crash and burn". I finally was able to rest and relax, and found some time to catch up on my sleep and quiet time. In the process, I lost all semblance of a routine and the lifestyle that I had been accustomed to. Staying up late, sleeping in, sitting at home with the computer and the TV and catching up on DVR has taken it's toll and I am fully encompassed in the Summer Blahs. Yes, we've done some fun things - we went camping at the ocean for 3 days, which was awesome. We came home through Forks and let the oldest daughter fufill her dream of seeing the Cullen home, the Swan home, and all the fun places in her favorite book. I also took her to the Jonas Brothers concert and had a WONDERFUL time. Yes, I enjoyed the Jo Bros. Maybe even more than she did because I am old enough to truly appreciate seeing a band live - even a sugary sweet tween idol boy band (ahhh, the memories of NKOTB were strong that night!!). However - I have also given up working out and eating crap whenever I feel like it. It's been a bad stretch of 2 weeks and I finally stepped on the scale a few days ago and realized that, dammit - I gained back 10 of the 20 pounds it had taken me 6 months to lose in only 2 weeks. What the hell????

So last night I decided it's time to start back on my mission to make myself a priority and feel good about myself. I went tanning, I grocery shopped for healthy breakfasts, lunches, and dinners for the week. I gave myself (with hubbies help, isn't he AMAZING) a manicure, pedicure and facial, and a lip treatment. Using the momentum gained from starting to feel pretty, I got up at the UNGODLY hour of 4:45 *yes, AM* and went to my very first spinning class. And I didn't die!! Woo Hoo! In fact, it wasn't so bad. Getting up that early was really hard, but the class itself was actually kinda fun. And tonight, I get to go get my hair done! The plan is to try to hit Zumba tomorrow before spending all day making a three tiered fondant covered wedding cake for my mother in law. And freezing violet blooms into ice cubes for the punch. Ugh.

The good news is that all this work for the wedding and getting back in the groove of getting my priorities back in check are keeping my mind off of the one thing that is driving me totally crazy - the fact that my oldest child is gone to summer camp. 6 days, 5 nights at Drama Queen girl scout camp. Today is day 3. I'm slowly starting to get over the sadness that has overtaken me in her absence. I love her, even though she drives me crazy, and I'm missing her like crazy! I know that some people think I'm crazy for letting my 8 year old go to camp alone for that long. I kinda think I might be a little crazy for doing it too, honestly. But I know she's having a lot of fun, and she's probably doing some amazing things that she wouldn't be able to do otherwise. I am sure she's having fun, I just miss her :(

On to the big news of the millenium. Michael Jackson is dead. It's been about two weeks, and even with all the 24/7 news coverage and watching the memorial yesterday it still hasn't sunk all the way in. I am feeling very strange about the whole thing - I know there is a lot of controversy surrounding his life. Although he was acquited of all charges, there is always all that talk about child molestation - which as a mother offends me more than it's even possible to express. However, who really knows the truth? Only the child in question. So I feel like I need to give the guy the benefit of the doubt for a few reasons - 1. Again - he was acquited. The legal system is supposed to work, and we have to believe in that to feel safe in this country. I know there are many, many instances where it doesn't, and that's to be expected with a system so large and all encompassing. (Hello, OJ???) but in the end, I really believe that anything he did with the children in his life was truly innocent. And I believe that for reason 2. His life SUCKED. Yes, he was the most major music entertainer ever. Yes, he had billions of dollars, the Neverland ranch with all that cool shit, and he had the world at his finger tips. But, he also had an abusive father that pushed him at the ridiculously young and impressionable age of 5 into the spotlight that followed him for 45 years - his whole freaking life. From the earliest memories he could form, at that young age, his life was lived in front of - and judged by - the whole world. Tell me that won't mess a person up!!! And then there is the looks thing - I thought he was a major hottie back in the day, but he got judged - big nose, bad skin, etc. etc. And since the whole world was his whole world, the judgements were enough to make him crazy. I do think he was a bit crazy, but I also think that deep down, he was a very sad man who had no clue how to live a normal life, and he tried in every way he could to do the one thing he thought he was capable of, and put himself and his own thoughts, feelings and desires aside to please and entertain the world. In the end, it's the kids I feel for right now. Prince, Paris and Blanket (with the unfortunate name) break my heart. Regardless of all the rest, those children lost their father. And now they have to grieve in front of the world, and share their grief and mourning with the whole world, which I find totally unfair. That feeling, the mourning period should belong to them alone, as far as I'm concerned. The world lost an entertainer, those kids lost their daddy.

Ugh - anyway... now it's 9AM, and I have already worked out, had breakfast, showered, gotten dressed and ready for the day and set the kids' homework ready. Now it's time to feed them, dress them, school them, and get ready for the day.... here we go!!!!

Waiting for life....

I feel like I spend a lot of my time waiting for my life to start. I say, or think, things like... "when I lose another 20 pounds, I'll..." or "If I had a bigger house, I'd..." or "Next year, when the kids are in Xth grade, I will be able to do..."

But really, what the hell am I waiting for? Yes, family pictures would look a LOT better if I was a size 8 instead of 12. But if I died tomorrow, would I want my kids to not have a last picture of all of us together just because mommy thought she was fat??? Sure, entertaining would be much easier and fun if I had more room. But do I judge my friends my the size or neighborhood thier home is in?? No - of course not. So why do I put off having them here because I'm embarassed of mine? If they judge me on that stupid stuff, then do I really want to be their friend? Nope. And, okay, I'll give my self the whole, 'it's easier to plan for more things as the kids get older and are all in school longer periods of time' thought process... but I think that EVERY year!! First it was, when Em went to Kindergarten. Then when Elliot did. Now I'm all twitterpated about next year when both kids will be full time students, and only Eva will be in preschool. But is it really going to change that much? Probably not. Am I setting myself up for disappointment thinking that my life is going to get easier and easier when in reality any extra time I might find will probably be filled within 5 seconds because I can't STAND to be unscheduled??


And whats up with that, btw? When did I become this glutton for punishment? When did I become THAT mom, the one whose kids do scouts, baseball, soccer, football, cheer, gymnastics, hip hop, ballet, swimming, and taekwondo? I mean really - do the three of them need THAT much activity? Do I? And why am I still pondering guitar and piano? Do I think I have time, or that they have time? Why do I HATE open days on the calendar so much, or more aptly, open hours? Because I NEVER have an open day.

Ugh. I guess I am just realizing that I need to let go of this feeling of "waiting for my life to start" or it's going to pass me by. I know I'm still pretty young (yes, I still think 27 is pretty damn young, thankyouverymuch) but I also know that the years go quicker and quicker with each one that passes, and I don't want to miss out on all the stuff I could be, and should be, doing right now, in my 20's, while my kids are young, because I'm fat, broke, and all that jazz.

Updates and new things...

First of all, an update on the ADHD stuff - we're on day 5 of the Calm Child and Omega 3 supplements. So far, I notice a difference. It's not a miracle, by any means, but I do see slight changes that lead me to think they are helping. I'm also working on making sure that I do things to help personally, too. I make sure he's looking me in the eyes and repeats my directions, I give him time to process before asking for new things, and working on giving him skills to help him succeed. It's a learning process for both of us, but I feel we're on the right track which is helping me a lot.

Second - the weight loss struggle from hell. I don't know if anyone else noticed, but I have pretty much given up for the past few weeks. I gave it my all and had decent results for a while, but once I hit that plateau I gave up. I still did a perfunctory amount of working out because I was already at the gym with the kids for thier classes, but I didn't push myself and I fell of the food part of the diet wagon pretty much completely. The hardest part was after 10 days of eating whatever and not really working hard at working out - the scale didn't change. So when I ate really well and worked my butt off I was stuck - and when I didn't - I still was at the same weight. So after that, it was an easy slide back into old, bad habits.

I am ready now, though, to get back on the wagon. I'm at the Y for 5 hours a week now, over 4 days, with nothing to do but work out. So I am going to be doing a lot of that. I'm working on going back to the healthy eating plan - not the starving eating plan. I HAVE to remember to eat breakfast, and need to end the stupid slimfast shake habit. It doesn't fill me up, and I need more of a substantial breakfast. So, I'm back to whole wheat light english muffins with laughing cow cheese, whole wheat mini bagels with nonfat cream cheese, or oatmeal with flaxseed, wheat germ and raisins. Good, healthy, fill-you-up options.

I'm also addicted to snacking - so I need to work on picking good ones. Right now my obsessions are Maui Onion and Garlic Almonds, and ranch flavored mini rice cakes. If only I could get my portion control down with those :)

Anyway, that's all for now...

The start of something new...

I haven't written in a while, things have been going crazy. I'm sure there is a lot to share since my last posting, but instead of backtracking, I'm going to start talking about a new journey my family is taking. My son, always known as the wild one, has been having trouble. He can't concentrate, can't sit still, can't remember directions even when given consistently. I have always attributed this to his being a boy, being a middle child, being 5... always a reason, always an excuse. But instead of getting better, he continues with the same behaviors and struggles constantly. He upsets himself, apologizes constantly, and he is feeling like he's missing something.

Of course, my mind immediately jumps to ADHD. I have gone back and forth with myself about getting him tested and seeing if there is any validity to my fears, but I don't want to run the risk of getting him a "diagnosis" and having it follow him throughout his school years. We all know that "those" kids get judged and treated differently in school by their teachers, peers, and even the specialists they have to see. I am also concerned with using medication. I don't know enough about the side effects, the long term studies, and the consequences - I am not against medication if it's necessary, but I am looking at the benefits of alternative treatments first.

So - long story trying to be a bit shorter, I heard about a "coffee" test. See, the caffeine in coffee works the same as the "uppers" in Ritalin and Adderall. It's a much smaller dosage than the average prescription, but in a child who actually suffers from ADHD, the caffeine will not have the common effect of making them more hyper, but will instead do the opposite and calm them down.

I tried half a cup of coffee with him last night before bed, and it truly worked. He stayed in bed, didn't jump, didn't climb, didn't do any of the things he normally does.

So we're trying the homeopathic ADHD diet. Start the day with a protein shake made of soy milk, coffee, sugar free sweetener and protein poweder, and a high protein breakfast option (for conveniece sake, a simple scrambled egg, cheese, and bacon sandwich). We are eliminating milk, which is fine since he drinks soy most of the time anyway, and as much sugar as possible. We're cutting out 90% of any processed foods, which we rarely eat anyway since I LOVE to cook from scratch. We'll continue to keep white bread, flour, pastas and rice out of the home. He will have another protein/coffee shake before bed, and possibly mid day if necessary.

After a week, we'll re-evaluate if the diet is helping enough, or if we still think we should take him to a dr. but for now, fingers are crossed!

Lame day

So, the day started off really well...
We had an AWESOME spring break - Great Wolf vacation, nice relaxing weekend afterwards (pics on FB for those that care) - and I was all ready and prepared for this week of going back to "real life". I had meals planned, fruits and veggies prepped, I even made muffins for breakfast this morning. I got up, kids were ready and to school on time, and we even made it to swimming lessons on time and I worked out on the dreaded elliptical machine. Good for me. I should have known better than to think that just because I was prepared and feeling confident did NOT mean the day was going to go my way.

First of all, my biggest goal for the past few years has been to get my kids into our district's cooperative elementary school program. It's a hard program to get into since they only let 22 - 24 kids in each class... and those are multiage classrooms, so only 11 or 12 kids in each grade level... and when you add that they gender balance each grade, that leaves about 5 or 6 spots for each gender in each grade. That's not a lot of opportunity. Unfortunately, (although they have dropped all day Kindergarten in the whole district so it's not a problem anymore) the Kindergarten class costs $250 a month (same cost as regular all day K) so we never tried to get in with either kid for Kindergarten because, well, we're poor folk and that is way over our limit on paying for public education! So instead, we have put the kids in the lottery each year. Since the princess is headed to 3rd grade, this is her 3rd lotto. It's the wild child's first, since he'll be headed to 1st grade. And... I bet you saw this coming... we didn't get in. Again. GRRRR!!! We are number 1 on the third grade waiting list, so there is a good chance that by the time school starts in September she'll be in. Unfortunately, 1st grade is hardest to get into, so we have no chance there. If we'd lotteried into 3rd, since the lotto goes down from 6th grade, we would have automatically gotten into 1st under the sibling program (if you have one kid in the program, come placement time your other kids are in priority list) but since we didn't, even if we do get in by the beginning of the year for 3rd, the 1st class is already full. So while I am pretty sure we get moved up higher to the priority waitlist, we still won't get guaranteed a spot, and chances are we won't get in anyway.

Bummer.

Then, when I called to complain to the hubs, he proceeds to tell me all about his crappy day. Problems with the boss again, who has ridiculous expectations but refuses to allow the hubs - as manager of the food and beverage, and banquet, departments - to actually fire and hire people at will so he can train the staff to his expections. So instead, he's stuck with a staff that was trained badly and don't want to learn anything new or do things his way since he's still the "newbie" compared to most of the hourly employees. So when they screw up and they get complaints to his department it's his fault for not being a good enough manager. Even though he wants to change things so it's more productive and they won't let him. UGH. In this economy, it's really scary because there aren't a lot of jobs out there for event managers. People aren't having many events, therefore most businesses aren't hiring. So thank god, they didn't fire him, but he's worried. And pissed. So instead of being able to get some condolences about how devestated I am that we still aren't in the co-op program, I have to be Mrs. Supportive Spouse.

GRRRR.

And, the princess has dance class tonight at 7:45, so at least I will get to go work out again - it's sick and wrong how much I am learning to love and look forward to that time. And just maybe if the hubs gets home early enough I can go tanning first.

Thanks, no really, thanks... NOT

Okay, let me set the stage...  I am in the middle of facebooking and making dinner simultaneously.  I am a very busy lady, don'tcha know?  So as the Princess is sitting there doing absolutely nothing I say, "Hey, while you're sitting there, why don't you fold the laundry?"  She responds, shockingly, with "sure". 

Back to the kitchen I go, glowing from the joy of having some laundry help.  Or maybe it's the steam facial from browning the turkey meat for chili (which, btw, is probably burning as I sit here to write this) thinking how lovely.

Then the shoe drops.  I hear a horrified scream from the other room.  "MMMMOOOOOOO-OOOOOOOMMMMM.... WHAT IS THIS????" Insert moment of mommy panic here.  Thoughts that run through my head include 1. Have I worn a naughty outfit recently that could have been mixed up in the wash, or worse - did a toy somehow get lodged into the sheets I washed yesterday (no, I don't mean a matchbox car people) and should I stop adding extra beans to our chili because every penny counts and will be needed to put towards future therapy bills?  2. Oh god, are the mice back?  I thought they were gone.  Crap.  3. ... okay, no time for thought number 3, I mean seriously people my house is about thisbig so getting from kitchen to living room really only requires moving my head about three inches to the right.

In any case, I look at my poor horrified daughter, who is holding up - of course - my granny panties!  Lovely.  The thing is - yes, I know this is TMI - I don't wear underwear as a rule.  I hate it.  All kinds.  But this weekend we had a fancy auction to attend to which I planned to wear a dress, so - underwear had to be worn.  It was a PTA auction, after all!  So, I wore my big old sucky -inny underoos that are very reminiscent of my grandma's one piece eye hook all up the back bra/panty combo piece of the early 80's.  **  Not really sure that this was actually an early '80's thing, but that's when I saw her wearing it, so that's my immediate thought.

anyway.  I just grabbed them, said they are mommies panties, thankyouverymuch, and you can go play now.

I may have over-reacted though - I think I saw her snickering about getting out of laundry duty on her way back to the TV.  LOL

Kids.... GRRR

Okay, so my oldest daughter is a very severe asthmatic.  She's been in and out of the hospital a ton of times and is on a twice daily dose of a preventative medicine, and so far it's done a pretty good job.  However, she started last night not feeling well.  She's got that asthmatic cough that sounds like croup and fell asleep at only 3:30PM yesterday and slept for over an hour, and didn't even want to eat dinner.  She called from the nurse's office this afternoon not feeling well, but wanted to stay to the end of the day because they were doing a fun art project.  Okay.  I told her to rest for a few minutes, have some water, use her albuterol inhaler and go back to class - if she needed me, she was told to call and I'd get right there to pick her up.   No big deal, this is pretty typical of our life.

Then she comes home from the bus - with a friend - "Can she stay for a while?".  GRRRR.  We've had this discussion many times about putting me in an awkward position to ask me with her friend right there on the porch to ask if she can play.  I started to say no, but they both sat and pleaded, and the friend pulled the, "My mom has to run an errand but I have homework, can I stay here and do it?" card.  So here she is.  And Emily is still wheezing and playing when she should be resting.

GRRRRR!!!

First official weigh in!

well, I weighed in officially this morning. I am down 5 pounds, which was what I had gained between Thanksgiving and New Years. I am happy with that though! I also lost a total of 5 inches - 2 in my tummy!

This next week the kids go back to Y classes so I am upping my work outs from the few minutes here and there I got this week at home to the full program I set up for myself, which is half an hour of cardio monday and wednesday mornings, and then another half an hour of cardio those afternoons/evenings plus half an hour of weight training on those afternoons/evenings. Although I'd prefer to mix up the days instead of doing two workouts a day two days a week, those are the times the kids are already in classes so I am there with nothing else to do so it works out well!

I may try to add another half an hour of weight training on Friday mornings before work, but I don't know if that will work out with my volunteer time in Em's class. We'll see. I still want to keep up on doing yoga at home with the 20 minute iPod download, at least a few days a week. Plus my weekly walks to meet the girls for coffee on Sundays.

I think adding those work outs to my eating plan will help boost my weight and inches lost in the next few weeks! I am so excited to finally be on my way to being a healthier person!

Besides my weight loss efforts, I have also been working on my goal of keeping the house cleaned and organized this week. The kids have been doing really well on their chores, which is helping a lot. I have some good songs on a playlist on the iPod, too, that is helping me get my cleaning done. It's nice to have some loud music or interesting podcasts to listen to while I clean - it makes me want to do it more, and when it's the loud upbeat music I dance around while cleaning which is good for my body too!

This week has been a great start, but I know myself and I sometimes lose my way when things come up that throw me off. I am hoping that I can get through this month of January without losing focus so that I can make this new lifestyle more of a habit than a process. But I am not going to worry about any of that right now, I am going to bask in the knowledge that my life, my body, my family and my home are healthier and happier this week!

Hilarious things...

Sometimes my kids say things that are so funny I can't stop laughing, even when they are mad or upset.

My son just threw a big fit over what to have as a drink between meals, and yelled in the whiniest voice, "Fine, I'll just have some stupid, stinky no-taste water, happy now mom??"

Cracks me up.

I still made him drink the water.

Bad Girl

I just did something I was not supposed to do... I weighed in a day early :( My weigh and measure in day is supposed to be tomorrow, and though I have been really good about my food (although I did eat two servings of pita chips last night) all week, I am only down 2 pounds. I know, that's still good, and I should be proud, but I really had this hope that I would lose like 5 pounds this week. It's hard to stay on track eating small meals all day and never feeling hungry when I don't feel like I'm losing enough weight.

This is my problem, and the reason I give up so often. Even though I have a lot of nutrition knowledge and self-knowledge and I know that eating a healthy and balanced diet, and eating all day long instead of 2 or 3 big meals toward the end of the day is the best for my body, not just my weight loss, but also my health. But I also know that when the scale doesn't change much and I have spent all week NOT feeling hungry, I think - well damn, maybe I need to eat less, then next week I will eat less, until I spend a week eating nothing but carrot sticks and slim fast shakes - at which point I will feel like crap, tired, cranky, nauseaus and depressed - and then I just give up the diet altogether. I do this all the time.

That's why blogging about this, as well as going through this life change with the support of my friends is so important to me. I find it to be much easier to get through it - and eat breakfast this morning (which I have never done on the weekends - at least very rarely and it's usually a big fatty brunch if I do)knowing it's the right thing to do for my weight and health.

So for today, my plan is to stay on plan. To do some yoga and get the house cleaned up so I can keep up on it this week. I know that next week when I add in my more intense workouts during the week I will up my weight loss from this week, and doing 20 minutes of yoga a day, and 20 minutes of cardio a couple of times this week has helped me raise my fitness level enough that I can try to keep up my work out schedule.

So, I am wishing myself luck, but I don't want to need it. I am instead going to wish myself happiness and self control. I know I have that in me.

Dinner

I am so hungry!  Not physically, I don't think - lunch was filling - but because we just booked our weekend away for the end of next month (our 8th anniversary) and we're going to Leavenworth, which is my favorite vacation spot (we don't get out much, or I'd probably say Cancun or something, LOL) and one reason is because of the Cheesemongers Shop they have there.  They have the very best cheese in the world, especially the Butterkase, the Basil Garlic Gouda, the Cotswold, the Drunken Goat and the Mango Ginger Stilton.  See why I am hungry???  Just the thought of all that yummy cheese, some fresh warm bread, and some of the wonderful wines and oh god, the Soup Cellar make me want to leave and drive up right now!!  Plus, there is the  Hot Sauce Shop, the place where, after a few too many drinks the night before, my lovely husband tried the hottest of sauces and puked!  Good times :)

So, instead of fresh cheese, warm bread, and great wine I am eating a turkey taco salad for dinner.  Ground turkey breast cooked in taco seasoning, black beans, olives, fat free sour cream and cheese, and a little salsa on a bed of shredded lettuce.  Good, but not cheese and bread :(

Why don't I do this more often???

I'll blog my check in tonight or early tomorrow morning once I'm finished eating completely for the day, but in the meantime I need to rant about myself.  Yes, I am self ranting.  Why don't I work out more often??  I did 20 minutes of yoga, then 20 minutes on the trampoline and I feel soooo good!  I always feel good after a work out, and I don't know why I don't do it more often.

The thing is, it's easier to just sit on my butt than actually make myself do anything active.  I know that.  But doing it would make me feel so much more healthy.  Physically and emotionally.  I actually enjoy the feeling of doing it (most of the time) and the feeling afterwards - it's just the making myself start that sucks.  I need to get over it.  I feel very good!

Day 4 Sucked

The funeral was really hard.

Funeral...

Today is my uncle's funeral.  I am sad, and nervous to go.  I've been to two funerals before... first was Jeff's step-dad's, second was for the father of one of my best friends in High School.  Both were awkward and hard.  Because I have such a low level of experience with death in general, I have a hard time knowing how to act or what to do when people are dealing with the death of a loved one.  Worse, when it's someone I've loved - like my uncle - I don't know what to do. 

I guess more than anything right now, I feel awful for my grandma...I can't imagine losing your baby.  I know he was 55 and a grandfather himself.  It's still her baby.  And my dad has lost his brother.  I wish there was a manual to show me how to show my support, my love, and my grief.  I love my family so much - even though we haven't always been the closest of families, even though there is a lot I don't know about them.

I hope this doesn't sound bad, and I don't mean to make light of the situation, but I am also hoping that being in this environment doesn't cause me to over eat today.  I am an emotional eater.  I eat sometimes just because I feel awkward and it's a something that I am comfortable with.  I think after the funeral we're going to my dad's house to be together, and there will be a lot of food I'm sure.  I am giving myself permission to eat off plan this afternoon - but not over indulge.  If I don't allow myself the permission to go off plan, then I will do it anyway.  Then I will feel guilty and feel like I have failed and that I may as well forget the rest of the day, and then I will do more than a little over eating, I will do a whole day's worth.

Ooops - Day 2 and Day 3 mid day :)

After last night's cranky episode I ate some popcorn and went to bed early, so I never posted my re-cap of day 2, so here it is now:

Breakfast was a whole wheat english muffin with a wedge of laughing cow and 1/4 cup of egg whites cooked in just cooking spray and an apple.  And of course the requisite coffee and fat free creamer.

Lunch was a cup of tomato soup and a slice of whole wheat toast with another wedge of laughing cow and an orange.  This time it was green tea and 2 cups of water.

Snack was a few handfuls of 98% fat free popcorn and a cup of green tea.

Dinner was 3 oz. of grilled salmon, 1 cup of brown and wild rice, and steamed broccoli and carrots with light hollandaise sauce (I make it from a fat free packet and fat free milk, and 2 tbs smart balance light margarine).  2 glasses of water!

Snack was more 98% fat free popcorn, a cup of no sugar added hot cocoa with a splash of soy milk, and more water.

I only worked out once - 20 minutes of fat burning yoga in the morning, but I skipped the lunar flow at bedtime and substituted watching Scrubs!!

So now we're on to today - day 3... I ate 1 cup of oatmeal with a tsp of brown sugar and 1/4 cup of raisins - and of course benefiber and a tsp of wheat germ.  And coffee. 

Lunch was hard - today PTA hosted our staff luncheon so the school was filled with the smells of a yuuuuummy looking lunch.  Including desserts.  Lots of desserts.  So I held strong and came home, but it was hard not to over indulge.  I drank green tea, and ate the other cup of tomato soup from yesterdays can... but then I also ate a sandwich of toasted bread, a wedge of laughing cow, 2 slices of deli turkey breast and some lettuce.  However, it filled me up and I feel good now. 

So far there has been no working out yet - but I plan to do a yoga session after posting, and then force myself to do another tonight before bed.  If I get the gumption I may even do 20 minutes on the trampoline too - but we'll see! 

Dinner tonight is up for debate... I was going to do red beans and rice with turkey kielbasa, but I am craving whole wheat pasta with EVOO roasted garlic, chicken, and veggies.  However, to throw one more wrench in my plan, I have a whole leftover pan of a stuffing and chicken cordon bleu casserole (stuffing mix cooked in water only - no butter, boiled chicken breasts shredded up, but the unhealthy part is it's all topped with sliced deli ham and full fat swiss) that I shouldn't eat... but it's here, cooked, and I don't know what to do with it.  The problem is it's soooo good, I have a really hard time not eating too much of it.  I have been doing a good job only cooking specific portions of dinners so I can stick to portion control - this is a big pan of food that I love, and I know I can't stop myself from eating more than my share.  Maybe I can bring it to someone else?  My grandparents are in town still at my dad's for my uncles funeral tomorrow, maybe they'll want it.  That's a good idea!  LOL.

Okay, that's all for now

Cranky

GRRRRR. Part of my plan with this whole "get healthy" thing was to feel better. I guess it's to be expected that changing my lifestyle will have some negative effects as they start to become habits - but it's weird. If I was feeling hungry all the time from dieting I could see being cranky - but I'm not. I actually have felt full pretty consistently for the past two days (I know, it's only day 2 and I am complaining). I am a little sore - but in the good way. I am not in pain, I am not hungry, I have been eating good, healthy, nutritious food so my brain should be functioning better and making my mood better. Instead tonight I am facing a horrible case of the cranky-moms. I am frustrated at the slightest thing, yelling at the kids for not eating their vegetables (In my defense, The Wild One finished his right away, very little complaints and he's the pickiest, so I know they tasted good to more than just me - and the girls both sat there for a good 20 minutes after all the rest of us were done eating still whining non-stop about not wanting them). The oldest whines and cries like a pubescent teen. At 8 she shouldn't be so freaking hormonal. But then again, neither should I, I suppose.

I need to go make ammends before bed I guess... back to do a re-cap of the day later :)

Day 2

Okay, well ... I did really well yesterday.  I ate well (I am not even beating myself up over the whole wheat pita chips and salsa at 10PM) and worked out twice - 2 20 minute yoga sessions, plus 20 minutes of cardio!

I also spent time with the kids and Jeff.  We had a great day with no arguing or fighting or anything.  It was happy.  The kids even started their new chores and everything.  No one complained or got mad - it was wonderful.  Benefit of my kids being so young I suppose - they still think helping and doing chores is fun :)

So today is harder already.  Getting up this morning was harder than yesterday.  I would really like to go back to bed, but I am going to finish my coffee then go take a shower.  The Diva has preschool this morning, so I will be bringing the laptop and trying to get online there for the first time.  I'm excited about that!  Not that there is any reason to be online for that hour and a half - I could easily wait until I get home.  But I probably won't.  LOL.

I think I am going to do the whole wheat english muffin with laughing cow cheese and egg whites and an apple this morning for breakfast.  See if that fills me up like the monkey smoothie yesterday.  Tonight's dinner is Salmon and wild rice with glazed carrots. Lunch is yet to be determined.  Depends on how hungry I am, I suppose.

I feel good though - I feel a little sore, and very tired, but happy.

Day 1 - mid day

So far, so good.  I feel very successful today, and it feels like a good start to my plans.  Here's what I've done today:

7AM - Breakfast: Monkey Smoothie - one 4oz container of fat free vanilla Activia yogurt blended with 4oz light vanilla soy milk, one frozen banana, one tbs of natural, fresh ground peanut butter, one tsp chocolate syrup, and one tbs each benefiber and wheat germ.  It was really very tasty and totally filled me up!

9:45AM - Work Out: I did 20 minutes of yoga, then 10 minutes on the treadmill and 10 minutes on the trampoline.  Then I popped in some high energy music on the iPod and cleaned my house for about 20 minutes, dancing all the way!  One cup of green tea down before the workout started

12PM - Lunch: I had a sandwich of two slices of Sara Lee Whole Grain White bread with 2oz of turkey breast meat, 1 wedge of laughing cow light swiss cheese, 1/4 cup lettuce, and a tsp of mustard.  I also ate about 8 baby carrots and an orange. 2 full 8oz glasses of water, too!

3PM - Snack: Started with another mug of green tea, followed by 2 celery stalks filled with natural peanut butter and then 2 more 8oz glasses of water.

Dinner is going to be a baked potato topped with smart balance butter, steamed broccoli and 1/4 cup of shredded cheese.  Probably a salad as well.  Later I will have a snack of more carrot sticks and maybe an apple.  If I am still snacky, I will either eat popcorn or pita chips with salsa.  I am really hoping to get in another 20 minutes of yoga tonight after the kids are showered and in bed before Jeff and I sit down to watch TV!  Been a pretty good day - I'll check in again either tonight or in the morning and let you know how I do and plan for tomorrow!

Day One of the New Life

Okay, it's 6 AM on the first day that I am practicing my new lifestyle.  Today I start eating healthy, working out, keeping a cleaner home, being a better mom, and a better wife.  Those are the big things I need to work on this year and I have a plan for each.  I am going to be exhausted.  But this blog is going to help me keep track of my emotions and my thoughts as I work towards those things.

So lets start by checking in with my emotions and goals for today.  I am exhausted, but I feel excited about all the changes.  I am ready to start my new eating plan - including forcing myself to eat breakfast.  But I am going to shower first :)  I plan to eat a Banana-Peanut Butter smoothie for breakfast, some carrots and an orange as a snack later after doing 20 minutes of yoga and 20 minutes of cardio - either jumping on the tramp or walking.  Lunch will have to be a can of soup or a sandwich - I am only allowing myself one smoothie per day and forcing myself to eat an actual meal for either breakfast or lunch.  Then dinner tonight is a baked potato with fat free sour cream, steamed broccoli and some cheese.  Yummy and healthy and vegetarian!  I also am going to help the kids remember their chores, spend some quality time with each doing some learning or homework, get them to bed on time so I can have quality time with Jeff, I want to make time today to call my mom, my brother, my sister and my grandparents and tell them I love them.

It's going to be the emotions that do me in.  When I start feeling bored, or unhappy, or tired - I give up.  So I am hoping that the GABA supplements work and keep my mood elevated and on an even keel so that I can keep up with the things I need to do and not sink back into the substandard status quo.  Ok, it's 6:20 and time to shower and really start the day - wish me luck...

It's a brand new year

Ready or not, it's 2009.

I have plenty of resolutions this year, I want to get caught up on bills and not have to worry about money every day. I want to start finishing my BA and get Jeff signed up for school as well. I want to be the best wife, mom, daughter, sister, granddaughter and friend I can be. I want to keep my house clean.

However - I have two very important goals. First of all is my healthy lifestyle. Yes, I know... it's been the same New Years resolution, half-yearly resolution, monthly resolution for about 12 years now... but this time I think I am ready with a plan that will help me lose the weight. I think that's the key right now. I feel like I am a "healthy person". I like eating and cooking healthy, I actually enjoy being active, and I think whats holding me back is just the extra weight that keeps me tired and lacking of energy. So I have a plan - an eating plan that includes enough calories and of all the right kinds, all the correct nutrition, and healthy foods that are going to help my heart, my brain, and even my blood sugar. I also have developed a calendar of activities that will put me in the right place and the right time with no excuses so that I have work out time... but not enough that I am going to over do it and make myself sick, but enough to make a difference. I also put together a plan for weekly and monthly incentives for my realistic goals of 1.6 pounds per week and 6.6 pounds per month.

Second of all, is our list of family resolutions. I am excited to start doing special days with each kid. They get to choose thier activity and who participates - just mom, just dad, both parents, ore even as a family. We're also going to fit in a service project once a month, a monthly outdoor activity, and a monthly family game or movie night. We also put together chore lists and a reasonable allowance for each kid.

Now - it's all about implementing the plans. The healthy lifestyle plan is easy - I wrote it specifically to make it easy to implement. But the family resolutions take planning, and the keeping up on the cleaning takes planning. I want to plan nights out with the girls, with my mom and sister, time with my brother - there are so many people in my life that I love so much, I want to make this year all about finding the time and energy to show them all how important they are in my life by spending my time with them instead of always being focused on "getting things done".

My family suffered a loss this last week. My uncle Duck died on Tuesday. He recently found out he had cancer, but he died of a heart attack in the hospital about 11AM. I am greiving, not only for the loss of a family member I haven't made the effort to have a close relationship with, but for the loss my dad and my grandma especially are feeling right now. I am grieving for the loss of opportunity to have a relationship with him, to tell him one last time that I love him, and the loss of a man who meant the world to people that mean the world to me. It is also a reminder that time is short - he was only 55 years old. We don't have much time on this earth to share with those we love. I have wasted so much of mine already on things that aren't that important. Focused on the wrong "things" instead of the right "people". This year I plan to start on my journey towards changing that.

Wish me luck :)