Positivity

So, I am feeling good.  I'm feeling like my life is getting organized, even if my house is NOT!  I have been doing great in school, and I just registered for Spring quarter and bought my books.  100 credits down, 75 to go, and I will have my bachelors.  I'm scared about what comes next - Masters, work, etc. - but I am not letting myself freak out now - I have time!  But I am doing good, class work is pretty easy, and I am keeping up on homework really well!  I'm working on the Pound for Pound Challenge with a vengeance... I have started Alli, and I am not sure it's working yet since it's only been a few days, but no bad side effects so that's a bonus.  I have done some research and figured out my Basil Metabolic Rate and the number of calories I need to eat to stay at my current weight.  Since my goal is 4 pounds per week, and each pound equals a 3,500 calorie deficit, that means I need to have a 2,000 calorie deficit per day to achieve my goal.  Alli is supposed to help you lose 50% more weight, so that takes me down to 1500 calories I need to deficit myself per day.  If I stick to my diet plan, that takes me down about 500 calories per day since my BMR says I need 2100 to stay at my current weight, and I am looking at hitting 1600 per day.  So the goal is to burn, on average, 1000 calories per day.  I can easily burn 200 per day in everyday walking, cleaning, and all that I do with my days.  So I need to exercise enough to burn 800 per day.  And boy, did I find the work out that I LOVE!!!  Kickboxing.  It's not a work out anymore, it's an obsession.  I am in love.  In love enough that I went out and bought new work out clothes, shoes and even kickboxing gloves.  In love enough that even though I can't walk after going 4 days last week, I can't WAIT for Monday morning when I get to go again.  In LOVE.  And, luckily enough, it burns about 800 calories in an hour at my current weight.  So, if all my calculations are correct, and I stick to my plan, I should drop an average of 3-4 pounds per week.  I bought a fancy-schmancy new scale that measures not only weight, but BMI, Bone Mass, Water weight and even Body Fat percentage!  So we'll see - I feel like I'm finally on a plan I can handle, oatmeal with raisins for breakfast, and on the days that doesn't sound good I can eat raisin bran, an english muffin with laughing cow cheese, or whatever I want that falls into a healthy option category with less than 200 calories and 10 grams of fat.  Lunch is a Smart Ones, still, I eat one every day and never get tired of it.  But if I am out and can't do it, again, 200 calories and 10 grams of fat or less and I am safe.  Dinner is easy, too.  Protein (3 oz), Carbs (1 serving), unlimited veggies, and a small amount of fat to cook with or as sauces, etc.  Snacks have to be 150 calories or less, 5 grams of fat or less, and I can have two per day.  Best options are, of course, fresh fruits and veggies, but I can do rice cakes, crackers, jello, pudding, even light ice cream or fro-yo.  As long as I watch portion sizes, calories and fat grams, drink enough water, and take my Alli pill three times a day... and do my working out... I should be 30 - 40 pounds lighter by my birthday, in 10 weeks. 

So, school and P4PC are on target and going well.  Money is good right now, we just got our tax return and the hubs new job is paying enough that IF we get our mortgage situation figured out, we might actually get back on top of it all, and that feels really good.

PTA is good, we have gotten through the majority of the problems, the auction is coming up and seems to be on track, and there are only a few small events coming up that I am not worried about.

Preschool is fine - I am finally feeling like I am getting caught up on stuff so that's a bonus.  I need to do my auction basket in the next two days but I am fin, I finally have the money to do it.

I'm on a roll... Life is going okay for once and I feel positive about it.  Let's hope I can keep it up, huh?

Pound for Pound Challenge... Our Version

So, the hubs and I have decided that we both want to get fit.  I want to lose 30 pounds and tone up, He wants to gain 30 pounds and bulk up.  Now that he has a new job with more flexible daytime hours (lame - back to more nights and weekends, but whatever) we have decided to challenge each other to see who can hit their goal first.  The only caveat is that we have to do it healthy - I can't crash diet to lose my 30, and he can't gain 30 lbs of pure fat by eating junk.  We are going to work out, both together and separately, and work on our diets so that he's getting more healthy fat and protein, and I am getting less fat and more protein.  It is going to be a challenge to find family meals that I can eat to lose, he can eat to gain, and that the kids will, well, eat at all.  But it is going to be fun, I think.  We weighed in this AM, and now he is off to drop the older kids at school and then stopping at Target for a gym bag, some work out clothes and a lock so he can join me this morning at the Y while the little one has her trifecta of lessons.  He started the day with a protein shake, I started mine with a berry smoothie.  I also bought some Alli, which I think I will start later this weekend.  The "treatment effects" of those pills can be a little ... scary?  So I plan to start them over the weekend when I can be home to deal with anything.  They say as long as you are careful about what you eat, after a few days your system gets used to the pills and you should be fine.  I am hoping it will be just enough of a help that I can stay motivated this time.

So, here we go... another year, another attempt at weight loss, another "motivation" that is sure to keep me in line... we'll see.  This is the first time I've had not only His support and encouragement, but also his desire to do something healthy, too.  I'm hoping that will be the key that I've been missing all this time.  Maybe if we're working on ourselves together, I won't be so apt to give up.

Field trip

I'm going on a field trip on Friday for school we will be taking a tour on a boat with my class. I hope will be riding the boat I can't wait till Friday!!!

THE END

It's official. I'm going back to school in October to finish my Bachelors Degree in Applied Psychology, and then my Masters in Counseling. When all is said and done, I'll have about $25,000 in student loans to pay off and it will take me about 3 full years. I'm scared to death, worried about the time, the money, the energy it's going to take to go through with all of this. But I'm even more scared not to do it. I love my life, don't get me wrong. I love my husband more than anything, I have three amazing children that couldn't give me more joy and fulfillment in my life. But... I also hate it. I hate not ever having enough money for anything...a big enough house for our family, a nice car, a vacation every once in a while, even little necessities like school clothes and supplies without stressing on it. I want to LIVE my life, and LOVE my life - not struggle through it.

And that's never going to change unless I do something about it. I can't keep living for today with no thought put into the future more than the next mortgage payment. I can't keep hoping and praying that things are going to get better, that we're going to somehow "fall into" money that will keep us afloat. I need to DO something about it, and that's where the plan comes in.

First things first - I have to finish school. Then I need to get a real job, and start bringing in money to keep us afloat. By the time I'm done, Eva will be in 1st grade, which means I can work during the day and not miss too much time with them after school and weekends. With a Masters, I will be able to work for a hospital, school, or private practice which means I should be able to work the kinds of hours I will need to keep myself happy and the kids feeling like I am not abandoning them. Hopefully I'll be able to make enough that Jeff can go back to school at that point and get his Bachelors degree in Business and then he'll be able to get a higher management position and we can work our stuff out with that.

Next - I need to start feeling more comfortable with myself, which is going to involve making time to work out again. I know that once school starts I will be able to do that, but I have 6 more weeks - I need to start doing it now. I think once I feel confident and better about my body by working out, eating right and losing some weight, I will feel more capable and less embarrassed to go out and do all those things I want to do, but can't.

Money and weight have been holding me back from living my life to the fullest extent, from doing all the things I really want to do with my life big picture and day to day... and I don't want to do that anymore, dammit. I want to feel like I am not being held back. So I need to do the things that are hard that will let me feel capable and confident.

Wish me luck

Summer blahs, Michael Jackson, and camp...

It's been a while... again. Summer came and the stress of the year came down upon me and hit me with a big ole "crash and burn". I finally was able to rest and relax, and found some time to catch up on my sleep and quiet time. In the process, I lost all semblance of a routine and the lifestyle that I had been accustomed to. Staying up late, sleeping in, sitting at home with the computer and the TV and catching up on DVR has taken it's toll and I am fully encompassed in the Summer Blahs. Yes, we've done some fun things - we went camping at the ocean for 3 days, which was awesome. We came home through Forks and let the oldest daughter fufill her dream of seeing the Cullen home, the Swan home, and all the fun places in her favorite book. I also took her to the Jonas Brothers concert and had a WONDERFUL time. Yes, I enjoyed the Jo Bros. Maybe even more than she did because I am old enough to truly appreciate seeing a band live - even a sugary sweet tween idol boy band (ahhh, the memories of NKOTB were strong that night!!). However - I have also given up working out and eating crap whenever I feel like it. It's been a bad stretch of 2 weeks and I finally stepped on the scale a few days ago and realized that, dammit - I gained back 10 of the 20 pounds it had taken me 6 months to lose in only 2 weeks. What the hell????

So last night I decided it's time to start back on my mission to make myself a priority and feel good about myself. I went tanning, I grocery shopped for healthy breakfasts, lunches, and dinners for the week. I gave myself (with hubbies help, isn't he AMAZING) a manicure, pedicure and facial, and a lip treatment. Using the momentum gained from starting to feel pretty, I got up at the UNGODLY hour of 4:45 *yes, AM* and went to my very first spinning class. And I didn't die!! Woo Hoo! In fact, it wasn't so bad. Getting up that early was really hard, but the class itself was actually kinda fun. And tonight, I get to go get my hair done! The plan is to try to hit Zumba tomorrow before spending all day making a three tiered fondant covered wedding cake for my mother in law. And freezing violet blooms into ice cubes for the punch. Ugh.

The good news is that all this work for the wedding and getting back in the groove of getting my priorities back in check are keeping my mind off of the one thing that is driving me totally crazy - the fact that my oldest child is gone to summer camp. 6 days, 5 nights at Drama Queen girl scout camp. Today is day 3. I'm slowly starting to get over the sadness that has overtaken me in her absence. I love her, even though she drives me crazy, and I'm missing her like crazy! I know that some people think I'm crazy for letting my 8 year old go to camp alone for that long. I kinda think I might be a little crazy for doing it too, honestly. But I know she's having a lot of fun, and she's probably doing some amazing things that she wouldn't be able to do otherwise. I am sure she's having fun, I just miss her :(

On to the big news of the millenium. Michael Jackson is dead. It's been about two weeks, and even with all the 24/7 news coverage and watching the memorial yesterday it still hasn't sunk all the way in. I am feeling very strange about the whole thing - I know there is a lot of controversy surrounding his life. Although he was acquited of all charges, there is always all that talk about child molestation - which as a mother offends me more than it's even possible to express. However, who really knows the truth? Only the child in question. So I feel like I need to give the guy the benefit of the doubt for a few reasons - 1. Again - he was acquited. The legal system is supposed to work, and we have to believe in that to feel safe in this country. I know there are many, many instances where it doesn't, and that's to be expected with a system so large and all encompassing. (Hello, OJ???) but in the end, I really believe that anything he did with the children in his life was truly innocent. And I believe that for reason 2. His life SUCKED. Yes, he was the most major music entertainer ever. Yes, he had billions of dollars, the Neverland ranch with all that cool shit, and he had the world at his finger tips. But, he also had an abusive father that pushed him at the ridiculously young and impressionable age of 5 into the spotlight that followed him for 45 years - his whole freaking life. From the earliest memories he could form, at that young age, his life was lived in front of - and judged by - the whole world. Tell me that won't mess a person up!!! And then there is the looks thing - I thought he was a major hottie back in the day, but he got judged - big nose, bad skin, etc. etc. And since the whole world was his whole world, the judgements were enough to make him crazy. I do think he was a bit crazy, but I also think that deep down, he was a very sad man who had no clue how to live a normal life, and he tried in every way he could to do the one thing he thought he was capable of, and put himself and his own thoughts, feelings and desires aside to please and entertain the world. In the end, it's the kids I feel for right now. Prince, Paris and Blanket (with the unfortunate name) break my heart. Regardless of all the rest, those children lost their father. And now they have to grieve in front of the world, and share their grief and mourning with the whole world, which I find totally unfair. That feeling, the mourning period should belong to them alone, as far as I'm concerned. The world lost an entertainer, those kids lost their daddy.

Ugh - anyway... now it's 9AM, and I have already worked out, had breakfast, showered, gotten dressed and ready for the day and set the kids' homework ready. Now it's time to feed them, dress them, school them, and get ready for the day.... here we go!!!!

Waiting for life....

I feel like I spend a lot of my time waiting for my life to start. I say, or think, things like... "when I lose another 20 pounds, I'll..." or "If I had a bigger house, I'd..." or "Next year, when the kids are in Xth grade, I will be able to do..."

But really, what the hell am I waiting for? Yes, family pictures would look a LOT better if I was a size 8 instead of 12. But if I died tomorrow, would I want my kids to not have a last picture of all of us together just because mommy thought she was fat??? Sure, entertaining would be much easier and fun if I had more room. But do I judge my friends my the size or neighborhood thier home is in?? No - of course not. So why do I put off having them here because I'm embarassed of mine? If they judge me on that stupid stuff, then do I really want to be their friend? Nope. And, okay, I'll give my self the whole, 'it's easier to plan for more things as the kids get older and are all in school longer periods of time' thought process... but I think that EVERY year!! First it was, when Em went to Kindergarten. Then when Elliot did. Now I'm all twitterpated about next year when both kids will be full time students, and only Eva will be in preschool. But is it really going to change that much? Probably not. Am I setting myself up for disappointment thinking that my life is going to get easier and easier when in reality any extra time I might find will probably be filled within 5 seconds because I can't STAND to be unscheduled??


And whats up with that, btw? When did I become this glutton for punishment? When did I become THAT mom, the one whose kids do scouts, baseball, soccer, football, cheer, gymnastics, hip hop, ballet, swimming, and taekwondo? I mean really - do the three of them need THAT much activity? Do I? And why am I still pondering guitar and piano? Do I think I have time, or that they have time? Why do I HATE open days on the calendar so much, or more aptly, open hours? Because I NEVER have an open day.

Ugh. I guess I am just realizing that I need to let go of this feeling of "waiting for my life to start" or it's going to pass me by. I know I'm still pretty young (yes, I still think 27 is pretty damn young, thankyouverymuch) but I also know that the years go quicker and quicker with each one that passes, and I don't want to miss out on all the stuff I could be, and should be, doing right now, in my 20's, while my kids are young, because I'm fat, broke, and all that jazz.

Updates and new things...

First of all, an update on the ADHD stuff - we're on day 5 of the Calm Child and Omega 3 supplements. So far, I notice a difference. It's not a miracle, by any means, but I do see slight changes that lead me to think they are helping. I'm also working on making sure that I do things to help personally, too. I make sure he's looking me in the eyes and repeats my directions, I give him time to process before asking for new things, and working on giving him skills to help him succeed. It's a learning process for both of us, but I feel we're on the right track which is helping me a lot.

Second - the weight loss struggle from hell. I don't know if anyone else noticed, but I have pretty much given up for the past few weeks. I gave it my all and had decent results for a while, but once I hit that plateau I gave up. I still did a perfunctory amount of working out because I was already at the gym with the kids for thier classes, but I didn't push myself and I fell of the food part of the diet wagon pretty much completely. The hardest part was after 10 days of eating whatever and not really working hard at working out - the scale didn't change. So when I ate really well and worked my butt off I was stuck - and when I didn't - I still was at the same weight. So after that, it was an easy slide back into old, bad habits.

I am ready now, though, to get back on the wagon. I'm at the Y for 5 hours a week now, over 4 days, with nothing to do but work out. So I am going to be doing a lot of that. I'm working on going back to the healthy eating plan - not the starving eating plan. I HAVE to remember to eat breakfast, and need to end the stupid slimfast shake habit. It doesn't fill me up, and I need more of a substantial breakfast. So, I'm back to whole wheat light english muffins with laughing cow cheese, whole wheat mini bagels with nonfat cream cheese, or oatmeal with flaxseed, wheat germ and raisins. Good, healthy, fill-you-up options.

I'm also addicted to snacking - so I need to work on picking good ones. Right now my obsessions are Maui Onion and Garlic Almonds, and ranch flavored mini rice cakes. If only I could get my portion control down with those :)

Anyway, that's all for now...