Summer blahs, Michael Jackson, and camp...

It's been a while... again. Summer came and the stress of the year came down upon me and hit me with a big ole "crash and burn". I finally was able to rest and relax, and found some time to catch up on my sleep and quiet time. In the process, I lost all semblance of a routine and the lifestyle that I had been accustomed to. Staying up late, sleeping in, sitting at home with the computer and the TV and catching up on DVR has taken it's toll and I am fully encompassed in the Summer Blahs. Yes, we've done some fun things - we went camping at the ocean for 3 days, which was awesome. We came home through Forks and let the oldest daughter fufill her dream of seeing the Cullen home, the Swan home, and all the fun places in her favorite book. I also took her to the Jonas Brothers concert and had a WONDERFUL time. Yes, I enjoyed the Jo Bros. Maybe even more than she did because I am old enough to truly appreciate seeing a band live - even a sugary sweet tween idol boy band (ahhh, the memories of NKOTB were strong that night!!). However - I have also given up working out and eating crap whenever I feel like it. It's been a bad stretch of 2 weeks and I finally stepped on the scale a few days ago and realized that, dammit - I gained back 10 of the 20 pounds it had taken me 6 months to lose in only 2 weeks. What the hell????

So last night I decided it's time to start back on my mission to make myself a priority and feel good about myself. I went tanning, I grocery shopped for healthy breakfasts, lunches, and dinners for the week. I gave myself (with hubbies help, isn't he AMAZING) a manicure, pedicure and facial, and a lip treatment. Using the momentum gained from starting to feel pretty, I got up at the UNGODLY hour of 4:45 *yes, AM* and went to my very first spinning class. And I didn't die!! Woo Hoo! In fact, it wasn't so bad. Getting up that early was really hard, but the class itself was actually kinda fun. And tonight, I get to go get my hair done! The plan is to try to hit Zumba tomorrow before spending all day making a three tiered fondant covered wedding cake for my mother in law. And freezing violet blooms into ice cubes for the punch. Ugh.

The good news is that all this work for the wedding and getting back in the groove of getting my priorities back in check are keeping my mind off of the one thing that is driving me totally crazy - the fact that my oldest child is gone to summer camp. 6 days, 5 nights at Drama Queen girl scout camp. Today is day 3. I'm slowly starting to get over the sadness that has overtaken me in her absence. I love her, even though she drives me crazy, and I'm missing her like crazy! I know that some people think I'm crazy for letting my 8 year old go to camp alone for that long. I kinda think I might be a little crazy for doing it too, honestly. But I know she's having a lot of fun, and she's probably doing some amazing things that she wouldn't be able to do otherwise. I am sure she's having fun, I just miss her :(

On to the big news of the millenium. Michael Jackson is dead. It's been about two weeks, and even with all the 24/7 news coverage and watching the memorial yesterday it still hasn't sunk all the way in. I am feeling very strange about the whole thing - I know there is a lot of controversy surrounding his life. Although he was acquited of all charges, there is always all that talk about child molestation - which as a mother offends me more than it's even possible to express. However, who really knows the truth? Only the child in question. So I feel like I need to give the guy the benefit of the doubt for a few reasons - 1. Again - he was acquited. The legal system is supposed to work, and we have to believe in that to feel safe in this country. I know there are many, many instances where it doesn't, and that's to be expected with a system so large and all encompassing. (Hello, OJ???) but in the end, I really believe that anything he did with the children in his life was truly innocent. And I believe that for reason 2. His life SUCKED. Yes, he was the most major music entertainer ever. Yes, he had billions of dollars, the Neverland ranch with all that cool shit, and he had the world at his finger tips. But, he also had an abusive father that pushed him at the ridiculously young and impressionable age of 5 into the spotlight that followed him for 45 years - his whole freaking life. From the earliest memories he could form, at that young age, his life was lived in front of - and judged by - the whole world. Tell me that won't mess a person up!!! And then there is the looks thing - I thought he was a major hottie back in the day, but he got judged - big nose, bad skin, etc. etc. And since the whole world was his whole world, the judgements were enough to make him crazy. I do think he was a bit crazy, but I also think that deep down, he was a very sad man who had no clue how to live a normal life, and he tried in every way he could to do the one thing he thought he was capable of, and put himself and his own thoughts, feelings and desires aside to please and entertain the world. In the end, it's the kids I feel for right now. Prince, Paris and Blanket (with the unfortunate name) break my heart. Regardless of all the rest, those children lost their father. And now they have to grieve in front of the world, and share their grief and mourning with the whole world, which I find totally unfair. That feeling, the mourning period should belong to them alone, as far as I'm concerned. The world lost an entertainer, those kids lost their daddy.

Ugh - anyway... now it's 9AM, and I have already worked out, had breakfast, showered, gotten dressed and ready for the day and set the kids' homework ready. Now it's time to feed them, dress them, school them, and get ready for the day.... here we go!!!!

Waiting for life....

I feel like I spend a lot of my time waiting for my life to start. I say, or think, things like... "when I lose another 20 pounds, I'll..." or "If I had a bigger house, I'd..." or "Next year, when the kids are in Xth grade, I will be able to do..."

But really, what the hell am I waiting for? Yes, family pictures would look a LOT better if I was a size 8 instead of 12. But if I died tomorrow, would I want my kids to not have a last picture of all of us together just because mommy thought she was fat??? Sure, entertaining would be much easier and fun if I had more room. But do I judge my friends my the size or neighborhood thier home is in?? No - of course not. So why do I put off having them here because I'm embarassed of mine? If they judge me on that stupid stuff, then do I really want to be their friend? Nope. And, okay, I'll give my self the whole, 'it's easier to plan for more things as the kids get older and are all in school longer periods of time' thought process... but I think that EVERY year!! First it was, when Em went to Kindergarten. Then when Elliot did. Now I'm all twitterpated about next year when both kids will be full time students, and only Eva will be in preschool. But is it really going to change that much? Probably not. Am I setting myself up for disappointment thinking that my life is going to get easier and easier when in reality any extra time I might find will probably be filled within 5 seconds because I can't STAND to be unscheduled??


And whats up with that, btw? When did I become this glutton for punishment? When did I become THAT mom, the one whose kids do scouts, baseball, soccer, football, cheer, gymnastics, hip hop, ballet, swimming, and taekwondo? I mean really - do the three of them need THAT much activity? Do I? And why am I still pondering guitar and piano? Do I think I have time, or that they have time? Why do I HATE open days on the calendar so much, or more aptly, open hours? Because I NEVER have an open day.

Ugh. I guess I am just realizing that I need to let go of this feeling of "waiting for my life to start" or it's going to pass me by. I know I'm still pretty young (yes, I still think 27 is pretty damn young, thankyouverymuch) but I also know that the years go quicker and quicker with each one that passes, and I don't want to miss out on all the stuff I could be, and should be, doing right now, in my 20's, while my kids are young, because I'm fat, broke, and all that jazz.

Updates and new things...

First of all, an update on the ADHD stuff - we're on day 5 of the Calm Child and Omega 3 supplements. So far, I notice a difference. It's not a miracle, by any means, but I do see slight changes that lead me to think they are helping. I'm also working on making sure that I do things to help personally, too. I make sure he's looking me in the eyes and repeats my directions, I give him time to process before asking for new things, and working on giving him skills to help him succeed. It's a learning process for both of us, but I feel we're on the right track which is helping me a lot.

Second - the weight loss struggle from hell. I don't know if anyone else noticed, but I have pretty much given up for the past few weeks. I gave it my all and had decent results for a while, but once I hit that plateau I gave up. I still did a perfunctory amount of working out because I was already at the gym with the kids for thier classes, but I didn't push myself and I fell of the food part of the diet wagon pretty much completely. The hardest part was after 10 days of eating whatever and not really working hard at working out - the scale didn't change. So when I ate really well and worked my butt off I was stuck - and when I didn't - I still was at the same weight. So after that, it was an easy slide back into old, bad habits.

I am ready now, though, to get back on the wagon. I'm at the Y for 5 hours a week now, over 4 days, with nothing to do but work out. So I am going to be doing a lot of that. I'm working on going back to the healthy eating plan - not the starving eating plan. I HAVE to remember to eat breakfast, and need to end the stupid slimfast shake habit. It doesn't fill me up, and I need more of a substantial breakfast. So, I'm back to whole wheat light english muffins with laughing cow cheese, whole wheat mini bagels with nonfat cream cheese, or oatmeal with flaxseed, wheat germ and raisins. Good, healthy, fill-you-up options.

I'm also addicted to snacking - so I need to work on picking good ones. Right now my obsessions are Maui Onion and Garlic Almonds, and ranch flavored mini rice cakes. If only I could get my portion control down with those :)

Anyway, that's all for now...

The start of something new...

I haven't written in a while, things have been going crazy. I'm sure there is a lot to share since my last posting, but instead of backtracking, I'm going to start talking about a new journey my family is taking. My son, always known as the wild one, has been having trouble. He can't concentrate, can't sit still, can't remember directions even when given consistently. I have always attributed this to his being a boy, being a middle child, being 5... always a reason, always an excuse. But instead of getting better, he continues with the same behaviors and struggles constantly. He upsets himself, apologizes constantly, and he is feeling like he's missing something.

Of course, my mind immediately jumps to ADHD. I have gone back and forth with myself about getting him tested and seeing if there is any validity to my fears, but I don't want to run the risk of getting him a "diagnosis" and having it follow him throughout his school years. We all know that "those" kids get judged and treated differently in school by their teachers, peers, and even the specialists they have to see. I am also concerned with using medication. I don't know enough about the side effects, the long term studies, and the consequences - I am not against medication if it's necessary, but I am looking at the benefits of alternative treatments first.

So - long story trying to be a bit shorter, I heard about a "coffee" test. See, the caffeine in coffee works the same as the "uppers" in Ritalin and Adderall. It's a much smaller dosage than the average prescription, but in a child who actually suffers from ADHD, the caffeine will not have the common effect of making them more hyper, but will instead do the opposite and calm them down.

I tried half a cup of coffee with him last night before bed, and it truly worked. He stayed in bed, didn't jump, didn't climb, didn't do any of the things he normally does.

So we're trying the homeopathic ADHD diet. Start the day with a protein shake made of soy milk, coffee, sugar free sweetener and protein poweder, and a high protein breakfast option (for conveniece sake, a simple scrambled egg, cheese, and bacon sandwich). We are eliminating milk, which is fine since he drinks soy most of the time anyway, and as much sugar as possible. We're cutting out 90% of any processed foods, which we rarely eat anyway since I LOVE to cook from scratch. We'll continue to keep white bread, flour, pastas and rice out of the home. He will have another protein/coffee shake before bed, and possibly mid day if necessary.

After a week, we'll re-evaluate if the diet is helping enough, or if we still think we should take him to a dr. but for now, fingers are crossed!

Lame day

So, the day started off really well...
We had an AWESOME spring break - Great Wolf vacation, nice relaxing weekend afterwards (pics on FB for those that care) - and I was all ready and prepared for this week of going back to "real life". I had meals planned, fruits and veggies prepped, I even made muffins for breakfast this morning. I got up, kids were ready and to school on time, and we even made it to swimming lessons on time and I worked out on the dreaded elliptical machine. Good for me. I should have known better than to think that just because I was prepared and feeling confident did NOT mean the day was going to go my way.

First of all, my biggest goal for the past few years has been to get my kids into our district's cooperative elementary school program. It's a hard program to get into since they only let 22 - 24 kids in each class... and those are multiage classrooms, so only 11 or 12 kids in each grade level... and when you add that they gender balance each grade, that leaves about 5 or 6 spots for each gender in each grade. That's not a lot of opportunity. Unfortunately, (although they have dropped all day Kindergarten in the whole district so it's not a problem anymore) the Kindergarten class costs $250 a month (same cost as regular all day K) so we never tried to get in with either kid for Kindergarten because, well, we're poor folk and that is way over our limit on paying for public education! So instead, we have put the kids in the lottery each year. Since the princess is headed to 3rd grade, this is her 3rd lotto. It's the wild child's first, since he'll be headed to 1st grade. And... I bet you saw this coming... we didn't get in. Again. GRRRR!!! We are number 1 on the third grade waiting list, so there is a good chance that by the time school starts in September she'll be in. Unfortunately, 1st grade is hardest to get into, so we have no chance there. If we'd lotteried into 3rd, since the lotto goes down from 6th grade, we would have automatically gotten into 1st under the sibling program (if you have one kid in the program, come placement time your other kids are in priority list) but since we didn't, even if we do get in by the beginning of the year for 3rd, the 1st class is already full. So while I am pretty sure we get moved up higher to the priority waitlist, we still won't get guaranteed a spot, and chances are we won't get in anyway.

Bummer.

Then, when I called to complain to the hubs, he proceeds to tell me all about his crappy day. Problems with the boss again, who has ridiculous expectations but refuses to allow the hubs - as manager of the food and beverage, and banquet, departments - to actually fire and hire people at will so he can train the staff to his expections. So instead, he's stuck with a staff that was trained badly and don't want to learn anything new or do things his way since he's still the "newbie" compared to most of the hourly employees. So when they screw up and they get complaints to his department it's his fault for not being a good enough manager. Even though he wants to change things so it's more productive and they won't let him. UGH. In this economy, it's really scary because there aren't a lot of jobs out there for event managers. People aren't having many events, therefore most businesses aren't hiring. So thank god, they didn't fire him, but he's worried. And pissed. So instead of being able to get some condolences about how devestated I am that we still aren't in the co-op program, I have to be Mrs. Supportive Spouse.

GRRRR.

And, the princess has dance class tonight at 7:45, so at least I will get to go work out again - it's sick and wrong how much I am learning to love and look forward to that time. And just maybe if the hubs gets home early enough I can go tanning first.

Thanks, no really, thanks... NOT

Okay, let me set the stage...  I am in the middle of facebooking and making dinner simultaneously.  I am a very busy lady, don'tcha know?  So as the Princess is sitting there doing absolutely nothing I say, "Hey, while you're sitting there, why don't you fold the laundry?"  She responds, shockingly, with "sure". 

Back to the kitchen I go, glowing from the joy of having some laundry help.  Or maybe it's the steam facial from browning the turkey meat for chili (which, btw, is probably burning as I sit here to write this) thinking how lovely.

Then the shoe drops.  I hear a horrified scream from the other room.  "MMMMOOOOOOO-OOOOOOOMMMMM.... WHAT IS THIS????" Insert moment of mommy panic here.  Thoughts that run through my head include 1. Have I worn a naughty outfit recently that could have been mixed up in the wash, or worse - did a toy somehow get lodged into the sheets I washed yesterday (no, I don't mean a matchbox car people) and should I stop adding extra beans to our chili because every penny counts and will be needed to put towards future therapy bills?  2. Oh god, are the mice back?  I thought they were gone.  Crap.  3. ... okay, no time for thought number 3, I mean seriously people my house is about thisbig so getting from kitchen to living room really only requires moving my head about three inches to the right.

In any case, I look at my poor horrified daughter, who is holding up - of course - my granny panties!  Lovely.  The thing is - yes, I know this is TMI - I don't wear underwear as a rule.  I hate it.  All kinds.  But this weekend we had a fancy auction to attend to which I planned to wear a dress, so - underwear had to be worn.  It was a PTA auction, after all!  So, I wore my big old sucky -inny underoos that are very reminiscent of my grandma's one piece eye hook all up the back bra/panty combo piece of the early 80's.  **  Not really sure that this was actually an early '80's thing, but that's when I saw her wearing it, so that's my immediate thought.

anyway.  I just grabbed them, said they are mommies panties, thankyouverymuch, and you can go play now.

I may have over-reacted though - I think I saw her snickering about getting out of laundry duty on her way back to the TV.  LOL

Kids.... GRRR

Okay, so my oldest daughter is a very severe asthmatic.  She's been in and out of the hospital a ton of times and is on a twice daily dose of a preventative medicine, and so far it's done a pretty good job.  However, she started last night not feeling well.  She's got that asthmatic cough that sounds like croup and fell asleep at only 3:30PM yesterday and slept for over an hour, and didn't even want to eat dinner.  She called from the nurse's office this afternoon not feeling well, but wanted to stay to the end of the day because they were doing a fun art project.  Okay.  I told her to rest for a few minutes, have some water, use her albuterol inhaler and go back to class - if she needed me, she was told to call and I'd get right there to pick her up.   No big deal, this is pretty typical of our life.

Then she comes home from the bus - with a friend - "Can she stay for a while?".  GRRRR.  We've had this discussion many times about putting me in an awkward position to ask me with her friend right there on the porch to ask if she can play.  I started to say no, but they both sat and pleaded, and the friend pulled the, "My mom has to run an errand but I have homework, can I stay here and do it?" card.  So here she is.  And Emily is still wheezing and playing when she should be resting.

GRRRRR!!!