Bullying and Suicide...

So, last week a 17 year old senior at the High School a few minutes down the road shot himself four days after his birthday after being tormented, teased, beat up and bullied.  From what I understand from other students - the fact that he was gay was the reason he was attacked.

What the Hell?

Are you kidding me?

This child, this poor innocent child, is gone.  Dead and gone.  No chance to see the world from a different perspective, stuck with the only experiences he will ever have having been the horrendous world of High School.  His family will never get to see their son grow up, face the world, be treated like an equal, or be happy. 

I hope those bullies grow up, have children, and realize the horror of what they have done and can never look themselves in the mirror again.

Murder.

That is the only name for what they have done.  Murder, because of arrogance and bigotry.  Murder, because of small-mindedness and hatred.   Murder, because we live in a world where these kind of bully kids are "popular" and life goes on for them.  Do you think these kids were suspended, charged with a crime, or even shunned at school?  Nope.  They got away with murder.

My heart is broken.  The fact that I live in a world, that I brought three children into a world, where this kind of hate is not only allowed to exist, but grown and tended like a garden in the hearts of our children, sickens me. 

We allow school board members in Texas to write messages on their facebook wall's about how they wish all "f*gs" would kill themselves. 
http://www.hrcbackstory.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/ClintMcCance-Facebook-image.pdf

We  allow candidates to run for office who say things like Homosexuality is an Identity Disorder" like Christine O'Donnell.

Really?  We allow this crap?  I am so angry, so frustrated, so hurt, and so pained by the world that we live in, that this stuff happens in our world, our state, and apparently in my back yard.

I wish I could go back two weeks, find this young man in the store, and have the chance to look him in the eye and tell him that he is WORTH the life that he has.  He is just fine just the way he is, and not to give power to this hatred.  Love yourself for who you are, and know that High School is such a small snippet of your life, and it will be over so quickly.  The world is so much bigger than your small town high school, and you deserve the chance to live in it.  To be in the world that will embrace you, understand you, and love you FOR who you are, not despite who you are.  I want to take his hand, and tell him that there are people out there that are awful and horrible, they have no heart, no conscience, and no one who has taught them to love, but that not everyone is like that.  I just wish I could let him know that being gay is not bad, or wrong, or anything to be ashamed of.  Hatred is, bigotry is, intolerance is, but being gay is NOT.

So Jordan, wherever you are, if you can hear my greatest wish for you right now, I hope you know that even strangers believe in you, that people who didn't get a chance to know you in life are saddened by that fact, and that the world is less of a beautiful face without you in it.

Rest in peace.

Back to work...

The end of the school year was tough - I couldn't wait for it to come, and I was counting down the minutes (okay, the seconds) until I was free.   I felt like I was the one singing "no more pencils, no more books..." and not the kids.  Once summer hit, I took to bed.  I slept pretty much the whole first day and then have gotten right into what my body feels is it's natural sleep pattern - sleep about 1-2AM, and up at 10-11AM.  No matter how many months - or years - I try and train myself to go to bed early and wake up early, it never feels good or natural, but this beautiful sleep pattern keeps me feeling refreshed and good.  Who knows why. 


But, unfortunately, I know that it can't last.  I have goals for this summer - and not just doing fun (and still free) things all summer with my kids and my friends, and even with my hubby on his occasional day off - but getting myself in shape.  I want to show up back to "real life" in September looking the way I feel.  So, I'm starting the Jorge Cruise "Belly Fat Cure" diet - cutting out most if not all sugars and simple carbs, controlling my insulin levels and trying to keep my daily calorie and fat intake at a decent level. 

I was doing really well at sticking to my kickboxing class 2 - 3 times a week all the way up until about May - but the last two months I haven't been doing much of anything.  So it's time to come back to fitness and work my butt off -  literally.  This morning was day 1, week 1 of the Couch 2 5K program I am doing with my girlies.  We are meeting at 6:30am, three days a week, for a 20 minute running program.  Starts off today with a 5 minute warm up and 5 minute cool down, and 20 minutes in the middle of alternating 60 second sprints with 90 seconds of walking.  At the end of 9 weeks, we should be ready to run a full 5K - and we're thinking of signing up for one in September to keep us motivated.  I also did spinning this morning, but I don't think I'll be going back for that again - it really hurts "down there".  The seats suck.  So, I'm hoping to find a couple days a week to do kickboxing, circuit training, yoga - whatever sounds good for the day - if I can do that twice a week, meet the girls for a little running 3 times a week, and stick to an insulin-reduction diet, hopefully I can meet my goal of losing 3 pounds per week for the next 10 weeks and go back to school 30 pounds lighter!

Positivity

So, I am feeling good.  I'm feeling like my life is getting organized, even if my house is NOT!  I have been doing great in school, and I just registered for Spring quarter and bought my books.  100 credits down, 75 to go, and I will have my bachelors.  I'm scared about what comes next - Masters, work, etc. - but I am not letting myself freak out now - I have time!  But I am doing good, class work is pretty easy, and I am keeping up on homework really well!  I'm working on the Pound for Pound Challenge with a vengeance... I have started Alli, and I am not sure it's working yet since it's only been a few days, but no bad side effects so that's a bonus.  I have done some research and figured out my Basil Metabolic Rate and the number of calories I need to eat to stay at my current weight.  Since my goal is 4 pounds per week, and each pound equals a 3,500 calorie deficit, that means I need to have a 2,000 calorie deficit per day to achieve my goal.  Alli is supposed to help you lose 50% more weight, so that takes me down to 1500 calories I need to deficit myself per day.  If I stick to my diet plan, that takes me down about 500 calories per day since my BMR says I need 2100 to stay at my current weight, and I am looking at hitting 1600 per day.  So the goal is to burn, on average, 1000 calories per day.  I can easily burn 200 per day in everyday walking, cleaning, and all that I do with my days.  So I need to exercise enough to burn 800 per day.  And boy, did I find the work out that I LOVE!!!  Kickboxing.  It's not a work out anymore, it's an obsession.  I am in love.  In love enough that I went out and bought new work out clothes, shoes and even kickboxing gloves.  In love enough that even though I can't walk after going 4 days last week, I can't WAIT for Monday morning when I get to go again.  In LOVE.  And, luckily enough, it burns about 800 calories in an hour at my current weight.  So, if all my calculations are correct, and I stick to my plan, I should drop an average of 3-4 pounds per week.  I bought a fancy-schmancy new scale that measures not only weight, but BMI, Bone Mass, Water weight and even Body Fat percentage!  So we'll see - I feel like I'm finally on a plan I can handle, oatmeal with raisins for breakfast, and on the days that doesn't sound good I can eat raisin bran, an english muffin with laughing cow cheese, or whatever I want that falls into a healthy option category with less than 200 calories and 10 grams of fat.  Lunch is a Smart Ones, still, I eat one every day and never get tired of it.  But if I am out and can't do it, again, 200 calories and 10 grams of fat or less and I am safe.  Dinner is easy, too.  Protein (3 oz), Carbs (1 serving), unlimited veggies, and a small amount of fat to cook with or as sauces, etc.  Snacks have to be 150 calories or less, 5 grams of fat or less, and I can have two per day.  Best options are, of course, fresh fruits and veggies, but I can do rice cakes, crackers, jello, pudding, even light ice cream or fro-yo.  As long as I watch portion sizes, calories and fat grams, drink enough water, and take my Alli pill three times a day... and do my working out... I should be 30 - 40 pounds lighter by my birthday, in 10 weeks. 

So, school and P4PC are on target and going well.  Money is good right now, we just got our tax return and the hubs new job is paying enough that IF we get our mortgage situation figured out, we might actually get back on top of it all, and that feels really good.

PTA is good, we have gotten through the majority of the problems, the auction is coming up and seems to be on track, and there are only a few small events coming up that I am not worried about.

Preschool is fine - I am finally feeling like I am getting caught up on stuff so that's a bonus.  I need to do my auction basket in the next two days but I am fin, I finally have the money to do it.

I'm on a roll... Life is going okay for once and I feel positive about it.  Let's hope I can keep it up, huh?

Pound for Pound Challenge... Our Version

So, the hubs and I have decided that we both want to get fit.  I want to lose 30 pounds and tone up, He wants to gain 30 pounds and bulk up.  Now that he has a new job with more flexible daytime hours (lame - back to more nights and weekends, but whatever) we have decided to challenge each other to see who can hit their goal first.  The only caveat is that we have to do it healthy - I can't crash diet to lose my 30, and he can't gain 30 lbs of pure fat by eating junk.  We are going to work out, both together and separately, and work on our diets so that he's getting more healthy fat and protein, and I am getting less fat and more protein.  It is going to be a challenge to find family meals that I can eat to lose, he can eat to gain, and that the kids will, well, eat at all.  But it is going to be fun, I think.  We weighed in this AM, and now he is off to drop the older kids at school and then stopping at Target for a gym bag, some work out clothes and a lock so he can join me this morning at the Y while the little one has her trifecta of lessons.  He started the day with a protein shake, I started mine with a berry smoothie.  I also bought some Alli, which I think I will start later this weekend.  The "treatment effects" of those pills can be a little ... scary?  So I plan to start them over the weekend when I can be home to deal with anything.  They say as long as you are careful about what you eat, after a few days your system gets used to the pills and you should be fine.  I am hoping it will be just enough of a help that I can stay motivated this time.

So, here we go... another year, another attempt at weight loss, another "motivation" that is sure to keep me in line... we'll see.  This is the first time I've had not only His support and encouragement, but also his desire to do something healthy, too.  I'm hoping that will be the key that I've been missing all this time.  Maybe if we're working on ourselves together, I won't be so apt to give up.